In today’s post I wanted to ramble a bit on the topic of “getting a girlfriend” – in terms of how it is portrayed in the movies and fiction books compared to how things work in the real world.
What is the story with this perverse “nice guy” narrative we see running rampant in Hollywood and the young adult fiction that is setting todays young men up for heartache?
We’ve all seen it a million times in just about every (probably 97%) “young love story” that has been published/produced in the last 100 years or so. It goes like this: “guy sees/meets/knows a beautiful young woman that he wants to date. However, this young beauty is currently dating the EVIL captain of the football team, ski instructor, frat boy/or wall street douche bag. Then the guy (the first guy, who we’ll refer to as the “nice guy”) goes on a mission to prove how much nicer he is a what a better, more caring boyfriend he could be, without really “making a move” or doing anything assertive enough to actually work. Eventually the “bad boy” boyfriend ends up doing himself in by getting caught cheating, or something like that, and then just by being “nice” the nice-guy gets to ride off into the sunset with his lady love.
Is this how the world really works? Does the “good guy” really get the girl? Is this what we see happening in the real world?
I think a lot of self-identifying “nice guys” would beg to differ. The reason being – women are not attracted to “niceness” as a trait that makes them want get into relationship with a guy. Back me up here ladies!
Sure niceness is nice. It beats being a straight up asshole most of the time, but its not exactly the sexiest thing in the world either.
Further, a healthy dose of “niceness” is part of being a good person, but the idea of a guy who is trying to “be a nice guy” all the time to get girls to like him is kind barf-worthy. Its also highly manipulative, which if you think about it really isn’t all that nice.
Lets look at a few of the things that a lot of so called nice guys do, if fiction and in real life, which actually has the opposite of the desired effect:
Non-effective method #1 – Trying to play the “handsome card”. A lot of guys think that physical appearance is the key to sparking the attraction process for with a woman. Guys spend tons of time and money time trying to dress trendy and get in shape, but the fact is most women prefer a more manly man who is not so concerned with his appearance. In fact this kind of vanity is really much more of a traditionally feminine trait!
Non-effective method #2 – Hiding one’s sexual desire. One of the key aspects of a “nice guy” is that he is not sexual, and therefore he tries to avoid discussing sexual topics with women on dates. However, the fact is that women are sexual creatures to. This is something that more successful “bad boy” types know, which is why you will often sees these guys ending up discussing sexual issues with beautiful women even if they just met them a few minutes earlier. Although this can be effective, remember that just because woman may be a sexual animal, this should not be used as an excuse to get too graphic in your discussion of sexuality with a woman you just met. This becomes especially crucial in the dating scene when trust is still in the process of being established. Opening up any discussion that has very strong sexual connotations can easily destroy this trust and can even make a woman feel abused in some ways. So keep your sexual discussion light and playful at first, rather than just plain filthy.
Non-effective method #3 – Avoiding all physical contact. Again, part of the whole “nice guy” thing is going to great lengths not to offend a woman. This is problematic however since touch is such a big part of sexual arousal. Just remember that while light playful physical contact is not only acceptable, but generally a good idea, overdoing it and being to overtly sexual with touch is not a good idea, especially on a first date. This can give off a signal to the woman that her date is a pervert who is just looking to bang, when they hardly knew anything significant about one another.
Non-effective method #4 – Kissing her butt. On the part of the man, making his date feel special should be his priority. Giving her compliments on how she fixed her hair for their date is a good starting point. However, repeatedly making complimentary remarks makes you look like a goofy dork and appears quite artificial. Spontaneous and natural comments are more effective when it comes to attracting women.
And finally , I should mention that I WILL be upgrading this site soon to make it a bit more visually appealing for you guys. My initial thought was to keep things as simple and black and white as possible, but I’ve received comments to the effect that it is looking a bit tired and old, so if you have any opinions of suggestions regarding this please let me know in the comments!